Spacing Children

My little sister and I

My sister is 19 months younger than me and I have always loved being so close in age. Certainly my sister and I did not always get along, but for the most part, we have always been close friends. Our relationship is so special to me that I have always wanted to provide the same opportunity to my own children. My sister and I grew up together in a way that siblings don't when they aren't close in age. What I mean is, we liked to do the same things at the same time. We didn't play together because there was no one else to play with (although this is a great benefit too), but because we liked playing together. Although I know that plenty of siblings that couldn't stand one another as children, become close friends as adults, the only siblings I have ever seen truly get along well and enjoy one another as peers when they are children are the ones that are close in age. I know many parents will swear by three or four or even larger age gaps as being perfect, but I have never seen a real life example where these siblings actually seem to like each other and get along. So, it has always been my intention to have children close in age, if I could. I feel like that would be ideal for my family. (Obviously, every family is different and different types of sibling relationships can be just as valuable.)

However, I didn't know much of anything about breastfeeding until I was breastfeeding. When I started I had no concept of how long I would breastfeed. I have learned as I've gone along and I have read so much more about it, from the health benefits of extended breastfeeding to the personal experiences of moms nursing toddlers. I'm certain that before Lilly was born, I said more than once that a baby shouldn't remember nursing or be able to tell you that's what she wants to do. Now I know what nonsense that is! There are so many incredible benefits to letting a child self-wean. My biggest fear is that I might do something, like get pregnant, and cause Lilly to wean early. At first, I was shocked when I read the natural weaning age of humans was somewhere between 2 and 3 to 7 years. However, I am preparing myself to nurse Lilly for the long-haul and let her decide when our nursing relationship will end. I'm also telling my husband about things as I read about them, because he once said something dumb to be about nursing past a year.

I was really sick when pregnant with Lilly and I couldn't even keep water down without medication, so I'm concerned about that happening again and whether there is a safe and effective medicine for me to take. I'm worried about the possibility of pain or restlessness while nursing, my supply dropping or even drying up, Lilly disliking the taste of colostrum, nursing a toddler at night while huge and uncomfortable. I'm worried about the energy and dedication it must take to nurse a toddler and a newborn.

My biggest fears about getting pregnant soon revolve around breastfeeding; however, I also never saw someone parent a baby the way I parent Lilly. I didn't know that I would be a cosleeping, babywearing, attached mom. All parenting styles take time, energy, dedication. I'm not saying they don't. But what parenting looked like in my imagination is not what it looks like in my daily life now that Lilly is here. So, I question my ability to fully meet the needs of a toddler and an infant. However, I have read plenty of parents that have similar parenting philosophies write that wearing their baby allows them to meet their toddler's needs at the same time. I imagine that this is not an issue that goes away though. When do your children stop needing you?

This has all been weighing heavily on my mind, because my cycle came back. Lilly nurses a lot at night (and during the day) and is still exclusively breastfed (after trying solids a handful of times, we decided she wasn't ready), so I didn't expect it for awhile. I thought the first one was a fluke and maybe I wouldn't have another for awhile, but I did. So, suddenly I feel like the possibility of babies close in age is right there in my face and I just don't know if I'm ready to make a decision. I think if someone could promise me that Lilly and I would be able to continue our nursing relationship through a pregnancy and she would go on to tandem nurse, I might be ready to start trying.